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This month’s lemon hails from the beautiful Fairview Park Ohio, and belongs to none other than Brian “Buckwald” FitzGerald. “Charlene” as she was named, is a 1993 “Smurf Blue” Ford Tempo. Some may ask, “Where did the name come from?” The name actually originates from St. Ignatius basketball legend Tom McLaughlin 02’, who when asked for the ugliest name for a female he could come up with, uttered “Charlene.” Since her Fairview Park debut, Charlene has certainly suffered many injuries that make her lemonworthy. Within her first two weeks, Charlene lost three of her four plastic hubcaps. This certainly wasn’t a good sign, and it’s all been downhill since. Soon after, on a trip back from Cornell University, Charlene’s handbrake line snapped somewhere near Erie, PA. Till this day, the handbrake line continues to drag while Buckwald is driving. The noise is not a nuisance due to the sound being drained out by an unknown noise that comes from the engine. This unknown noise may very well be the result of a squirrel’s nest that was found under the hood several months ago during a routine oil check. One story that can’t be left out is the tale of Charlene’s front bumper. On a cold dark morning in January, Charlene slipped around an icy Ohio City corner, and kissed a telephone pole. The damage appeared to be negligible due to the darkness of the morning. Later that day on the way home from school, Charlene was stopped at a red light on Hilliard Blvd., close to Magnificat High School. During a brief glance at oncoming traffic, Brian noticed three young Magnificat students pointing and laughing at him. At first he thought the laughter was brought on by his boyish good looks, but upon arriving home realized the snickering was a result of his front bumper completely dragging on the pavement. Did this phase Bucky? HELL NO! He needed to look no further than his garage, where he found yards of twine that currently hold the bumper in place. Coincidentally, Magnificat High School played a role in another recent run in with fate. Luckily, I myself was able to witness this next act of brilliance. As we were rolling down Wagar Road on our way to I-90, an angry middle-aged man began to rev his engine at a red light at the corner of Wagar and Hilliard. As the light turned green, we decided to show this aging Rocky River thug that Charlene is boss, so we refused to move the car for several seconds. The man became enraged as we turned past Magnifcat High School, but we were more alarmed to see almost 100 Magnificat girls dancing around the front lawn at 7:20 in the morning. We immediately turned our attention to righting this wrong, and as we passed Magnifcat, Charlene’s horn rang out in anger. Those silly Magnificat seniors thought we were applauding their weak attempts at dancing, but they soon realized we disliked their cavorting when a voice from Charlene yelled, “Unnecessary!” Suddenly, we turned our attention to the road where we found ourselves traveling towards the vehicle of a young female Fairview Park resident. Amazingly, Charlene was able to stop in time, avoiding collision. All was well, or so we thought. Just then we heard the screech of the tailgating thug’s tires, followed by the impact of the pickup truck crashing into Charlene’s badunkadunk, propelling her forward into the young woman’s car. After the contact occurred, we followed the woman into Magnificat’s parking lot. When we arrived in the parking lot we were greeted by the young woman, a Rocky River police officer who had been directing traffic, and about 100 Magnificat students who were pointing and laughing at us. One person who was not in the parking lot however, was the thug. It is believed that the thug, due to being an illegal immigrant, decided to bounce the scene. Luckily, damages were limited, saving Brian some cash, but more importantly saving him a trip to the Alamo to find Don Juan Thug. Although Charlene’s exterior deficiencies are numerous, she has a strong heart and a will to party that never says die. Charlene is truly a force to be reckoned with. For these reasons and more, Charlene is much worthy of the title Lemon of the Month. |
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