Super Size America, and Can Tony Z Get Fries With That? By Tony Zupancic Societal opinion regarding corpulence throughout human history has varied more than the Indian’s bullpen. In the beginning, when the primordial soup of the universe was beginning to heat, God created man. “Adam,” he said, “Thou shalt not be fat.” Adam obeyed God, fearful of his father’s wrath he stuck to fruits and vegetables as the staple of his diet. Unfortunately, it was his zealousness to please, and voracious appetite for apples that caused his expulsion from Eden.     As man evolved in the harsh reality of Pangea, he spent most of his time fleeing large mammals and gathering berries and roots. In light of the scarcity of nourishment available, and the constant fleeing from large predatory animals, man stayed slim. Those who did not were efficiently fazed out of the population by Natural Selection. Cro-Magnon man needn’t even worry about equality for the big. ⊄   As society evolved, and the Middle Ages engulfed Europe, obesity became an indicator of prosperity. It was now attractive for a man to be ‘big boned;’ it meant he was a suitable leader of his family. Women were also preferred big. In fact a desire for voluptuous women began in the Renaissance when one couldn’t help but see them all over the place. Besides pleasuring Michelangelo’s eye, big women served a practical purpose, she was great for child bearing. Sir Anybody desperately wanted to pass on his wealth and name to a son, and in order.    As technology advanced, and infant mortality rates decreased, size preference also changed. Now that lineage wasn’t the main concern, men looked for other qualities. In the modern era, post WWII, women needed to be skinny. While at war, it seemed America’s G.I developed a taste for slim pin up girls by way of King Hefner. Added with this modern lust for the ‘swan’ and then complemented by the feminist movement, skirts went up, and with them, bulimia and anorexia percentages. After WWII, it became unacceptable to be big and allegedly beautiful in America. Unfortunately for anyone who isn’t blind, societal beauty standards weren’t and aren’t deterrent enough for Americans to remain smaller than a U-HAUL. Now, with T.V, the internet, and an abundance of unhealthy food available to American kids at all time, obesity is developing at an unprecedented early age. This problem is augmented by the soccer mom mentality, which believes only in positive reinforcement, and continues to tell absurdly obese children “you’re not fat, you’re big boned.” Well Jane Generic, does it matter that his enormous self will need a quadruple bypass at age 18? So why are kids so big? No longer do they play football or sandlot baseball after school, instead they turn handicap?     Society and its ‘fatties’ say yes. Doctors are now prescribing handicapped parking tickets to monstrous individuals. Should they get them? Wouldn’t it make a lot of sense to make these behemoths park in the back in order to walk off some of what they are about to devour? Apparently the answer is no, and I couldn’t agree more. Keep in mind we are talking about 300+ pound persons (and not the ones with 10% body fat like Shaq), not the healthy gut perfect for hand resting like you and I. Consider this, by making John ‘Doe-boy’ walk, you are forcing him to breath hard, with reduces the amount of oxygen for the rest of us, and increases CO2, which only helps the weeds in your mom’s garden grow. Secondly, Big John will be putting his massive frame’s weight on the asphalt, which will more quickly deteriorate, thus needing repair, and subsequently resulting in the increase of product prices in order to pay for repairs. Your wallet becomes lighter by the minute. Finally, ‘Johngantic’ will inadvertently be taking up like ¾ of the parking lane, which slows traffic, making it harder for you to find a spot, and as a result, making it take longer for you to reach your destination.     Well this is all fine and dandy that I believe big people should get disability, but what do they themselves say? When asked if obese peoples should get handicapped stickers, Matt Vantusko replied, “Are you kidding? That isn’t all we should get, I want U.M.O.J.A fighting to get me an elevator pass for senior year.” I agree with Matt, and as a member of U.M.O.J.A, I plan on pushing the issue. With such fine young men as Matt Vantusko on the elevator, it increases moral during school because Matt is content, and also relieves traffic on the main stairway.     In school or out, obesity is a problem, one that shouldn’t be made fun of. People really need help to battle it. How so you ask? I have a theory! Mall Reform! I have observed the merchandise in Footlocker and Champs Sports these days come in sizes of XXXL, XXL, and XL. In the days of yore it was simply S, M, and L. Obviously, clothing companies are catering to big people, which means that these breathing Mactrucks are flocking to the malls to buy these products. While there I always notice that larger then life gentlemen and ladies like taking advantage of the Asian Chow sampler trays, and the McDonalds dollar menu. So I have formulated a plot! If we abolish the Big and Tall clothing lines, and force stores to convert to the S, M, and L sizes only, huge people will stop coming to the mall, which means they stop eating enough samples to feed a small village. Since they cannot fit in any clothes, and love to shop more then Matt Lobe, they will be forced to lose weight in order once again come to the mall and quench their thirst for material pleasures. Since they will return to human sizes they will not only no longer need the handicapped spot, but also they wont be hijacking all the bourbon chicken. In this perfect world, no longer would everyone be diabetic, and I could once again enjoy the seesaw.